How interested are you in your relationship?

I have a great aunt of 94 who has never been married, the other day she said to me that of course she has no first hand experience but as far as she could see the reason most marriages failed was because of boredom.

"They say it's because of this or that reason, but I think people just get bored" was how she put it. 

I think she is probably right. In her ted talk Esther Perel reminds us that the important things we look for in long term relationships such as security and certainty are also passion killers.

We have an inbuilt system that reduces the pleasure something affords us over time, we adapt all to quickly to having the things we desire and the initial pleasure wanes with familiarity. This is called the hedonic treadmill and capitalism mercilessly exploits our voracious appetite for pleasure and happiness that consumerism,  material acquisition and new experience gives us.

We can become consumers of people too, caught up in the feelings we ‘get’ from other people and sexual pleasure is one of the biggest pleasure/ happiness drugs of all. But like all drugs the effects can become muted over time. The hedonic treadmill can apply as much to our relationships as to anything else.

THINKING about ACTIONS and HABITS

Watch your thoughts because they become your words

Watch your words because they become your actions

Watch your actions because they become your habits

Watch your habits because they become your character

Watch your character because it becomes your destiny.

I spend a lot of time focusing at the beginning of this quote, on how we think. We can choose how we think and change our perspective and the rest follows; what you think creates the world you experience. Today I would like to focus on the 3rd line. Watch your actionsbecause they become your habits.

Our habits express who we are much more than our sentiments.

In fact our habits can betray us however much we want to deceive ourselves that we are what we think more than what we do. Thinking affects what we do, but it is also true that doing effects what we think.

If you smile you will feel happier, just as if you are happy it makes smile.

Kinder people are happier and happier people are kinder.

The life we have been dealt can shape our character. 

Our character is expressed through our habits.

Our habits govern our actions.

Our actions direct our words.

Our words betray our thoughts.

This way round it sounds less inspiring.  When written this way it conveys a powerless response to life events (reactive),  as opposed to a motivated directed response (proactive).

If our character is shaped by a mindless reactive response to life’s lottery the process is probably continued until the thoughts generated at the end of this process would feed back into the return re-action i.e.from those thoughts back to character and destiny.  And back again. An endless feedback loop.

Traditional therapy spends a lot of time examining things in backward direction; from events to thoughts, in order that people can understand why they might think theway they do and then choose to change things.

Backward thinking people use their thoughts to examinetheir lives.

Forward thinking people use their thoughts to create their lives.

Any thinking is good, even backward thinking. However when trouble strikes the habit of forward thinking will serve you much, much, better than backward thinking.

Mindless action, thoughtless behavior can be a habit in and of itself, and I include in this understanding of mindless behavior;

•

Behavior and actions that come of mindlessly following and obeying rules.

•

Behavior and actions done with no thought at all beyond immediate gratification.

•

Lack of awareness, general thoughtless behavior.

What is sad is that many people don’t wake up to, or question their thinking until trouble strikes.

Do mindless actions lead to thoughtless habits? Whichin turn define our nature? If we examine our actions do we say we act this way because that’s the way we are or the way we are choosing to be.

A fixed mindset believes that we are who we are and people cant and don’t change. A growth mindset believes anyone can change.

We develop our character through what we habitually do and think, and we CAN choose how we think, act and behave.

We don’t speak much about character today and we certainly don’t spend much time discussing the qualities and behavior that belies good character. We have become facile in how we speak about values, and forget that what we value is at the heart of what we really care about and governs our behavior. What we DO defines us and gives us our identity, and what we do can be done mindlessly.

Are you choosing your story or mindlessly at the mercy of it?

Happiness, meaning and a sense of purpose.

What does it mean to have a sense of purpose?
How much would a sense of purpose guide and affect your choices?

Having a sense of purpose gives you a reason to aim for something. It encourages you to move towards more fulfilling goals and in doing so enables you to experience longer lasting happiness.  Having a sense of purpose means having clear goals that fit into your wider life story, so that what you do holds meaning and direction.

Having meaning in your life gives you the ‘why’ you do what you do. Knowing that your life has meaning helps you face up to difficulties and overcome hardship. The meaning, ‘your story’, defines your role and makes you who you are and what you do matter.

‘Lack of meaning and purpose accounts for much of the rise in depression in America’

Victor Frankl

Victor Frankl, a holocaust survivor, remarks in his seminal book Man’s Search for Meaning that lack of meaning and boredom in people’s lives cause more mental health problems than

distress.

A sense of purpose doesn't have to be a grand world changing ideal, it is a way of holding who you are in harmony with what you do. Living a purposeful life has direction; you know the path you are on and equally importantly who you are. You are the path you walk: when your path is more important than the destination, life becomes vibrant and exciting; you know where you are headed and why. Your path is not so much about goals and work but the quality you bring to the process of living – your purpose, your unique contribution.

Where you feel most autonomy and freedom is a good place to find a sense of purpose to your life. Knowing what you value, and living to those values, gives the meaning and purpose to what you do. 

The importance of vulnerability

This is such an important subject. If you look at nothing else on this blog watch Brene Brown
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

I have found everything she talks about is true, in my own life and with clients.

The relationship of weakness and strength is much more than having the courage to ask for help. It is  about being strong enough to embrace weakness and stand in the hard place and accept and embrace all that we are.

Real weakness, real vulnerability, is something we are uncomfortable and struggle with, but shouldn't stop us from accepting ourselves as we really are. Owning, rather than denying this part of ourselves allows us to accept and love others with true intimacy.

I learned a long time ago that the part of me that I wanted to change and loose, the me I was most ashamed of, was a part of me that people connected to. I still feel useless and vulnerable sometimes, however, the more accepting I am of my own weaknesses the more able I have been to love and accept weakness and vulnerability in others.

Do you love your friends because they are perfect or because they feel safe enough with you to let you see thier flaws?

Something simple

For a happier longer life, try smiling more! http://www.ted.com/talks/ron_gutman_the_hidden_power_of_smiling.html

Happiness and a growth mindset

Research is showing that having a growth mindset rather than being fixed in how we see the world is an important distinction between people who thrive and those who don’t.

 

People with a growth mindset never stop learning. Your ability to adapt and learn is a key component of your happiness and well-being. We all face challenges and change, and having an attitude that embraces personal growth happens when we are willing to learn. Setbacks and failure are opportunities to improve and grow.

People with a growth mindset love challenges and new experiences.

In her book, Mindset: The new psychology of success, Carol Dweck explains how having an open mind to both our abilities and the world we live in allows us to grow and develop, and that holding fixed ideas reduces and limits not only our potential, but our potential for happiness. She also says that as a culture we don’t praise enough the effort and struggle people make, especially the young, when facing and overcoming setbacks.

‘Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.’ Albert Einstein,1879–1955

According to Carol Dweck

People with a Growth Mindset:

• Are open to new ideas.
• Are always learning (especially from setbacks).
• Enjoy challenges.
• Believe that abilities develop.
• Believe that lives and relationships and other people develop.
• Work at relationships

People with a Fixed Mindset

• Believe that ability and intelligence are innate.
• Are Judgemental.
• Limit achievement (crumbles in the face of challenge and adversity).
• Believe that if relationships need work they must be wrong.      
• Believe that that if they have to work at things they must be stupid – it should come naturally

Research has shown that people with a growth mindset are more likely to be realistic about themselves and their abilities than those with a fixed mindset. Being open to growth, learning and  development does not mean an over-inflated idea of one’s abilities, but openness to possibilities and potential.

 

How open to change and development are you?

 

Think of a time or incident that was hard for you.  

What did you learn?

 

How did you change?

 

What in your life has changed for the better because of this?

 

What, about the experience, are you grateful for?

With a growth mindset we grow intellectually (growing in our knowledge of the world and developing our reasoning powers) and emotionally (growing more emotional intelligence). All experience becomes good as it builds resources and self knowledge for positive growth and change.  The more we know about ourselves the greater are our chances of realising our potential

Find your mindset

Read the statements below and mark whether you agree or disagree with them:

 

1. You are the person you are and you can’t really change that, or

 

2. I believe that everybody can change, every kind of person is able to change.

 

3. The main part of who you are can’t change but you can do things differently, or

4 .You can always change basic things about the kind of person you are.

 

*[Questions 1 and 3 are the fixed mindset questions and 2 and 4 are the growth mindset.]

 

If you are most comfortable with statements 1 and 3, try thinking about what it means to you to believe that people cannot change, and, more importantly, what would change in your life if you chose statements 2 and 4. Then: Make a quick list of where you have opportunities to learn more.

 Carol Dweck (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. New York: Ballantine Books

Group Life Coaching Research

My research on the effect attending a life club workshop has on happiness and wellbeing has been published!  Groupwork An Interdisciplinary Journal for Working with Groups, Volume 20, Number 3, 2010 , pp. 51-72(22).

Nina Grunfelds Life Clubs are a great way to boost your happiness and wellbeing  www.lifeclubs.com